21Six.net

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, so here we go.

Jack Chick, and by extension, Chick Publications is a Protestant Fundamentalist company that has many little comic books called “tracts” that promote the concept of Chick’s particular brand of Protestant Fundamentalism in a manner that some people may find objectionable. However, in the interest of fairness, and because of the general atmosphere of this website, I will not be sitting down, tract by tract, and discerning truth from fiction and pointing out various logical fallacies in his writing or anything like that. That is for the skeptical community of the world to be bothered with. I’m sure if you use Google, and search for it, you could easily find a site devoted to nothing but determining the veracity of the claims made in the tracts.

What we’re going to do here, instead, is merely present the tracts, and show some of the absurdity that is present within the overall world of these tracts. In the interest of fairness, I will also be linking you to the page on Chick Publications were you can view these directly and a page where you can order these for yourselves to do with whatever you see fit. It’s not my place, and I’m sure Chick Publications doesn’t mind this little bit of publicity from a nobody website on the Interblag.

First and foremost, if you wish to indulge yourself, and read these for yourself, you can access it from the Chick Publications online order page. As you can see, there are a multitude of various things to be had within the confines of his part of the tubes. But we’re focusing on the tracts.

Chick Publications also has a tract list for reading online. This is where I will be gathering my information for this little bit.

Okay, let’s get started.

Halloween Is The Day Where Pagans Made Human Sacrifices for Satan

My introduction to Chick Publications and the tracts was during a Halloween some years ago, so we’ll begin with the presentation of people on Halloween. Starting with the tract titled Boo¹ there is an obvious parody of a horror-movie type situation, however, it quickly turns into something all together absurd whenever it’s declared that they’ll be sacrificing a black cat to celebrate Satan’s Birthday.

The comic itself is nuts. I mean, seriously. That a large group of teenagers would hold a party where, just the year before, 13 other teenagers were brutally killed is bad enough. But then they’re all viciously attacked by Jack Skellington with a chainsaw and we’re somehow supposed to believe that this guy, with his chainsaw, is going to be taken aback by some nobody kid going “I rebuke you”?

It would be like, if in a Jason-oriented movie, one of the kids who wasn’t going to be killed that time just said, “NO! YOU WILL NOT KILL ME!” and Jason said something a resembled “Oh, okay.” and went about his business.

Beyond this, it just turns into preaching and things like that. I suppose it’s supposed to be like that and all, but it almost takes away from what would otherwise be a deliciously absurd story.

The next one, for our talking pleasure is The Devil’s Night² which deals with the story of Buffy and her friend Susy as they talk about the dangers of Halloween and Satan and things of that sort.

This one is generally hilarious in that it follows the usual pattern of people being absurdly malicious just because it’s Halloween. Susy, in this instance, is the way-of-wisdom Christian girl who will not be swayed into the ways of the Devil by their teacher who is forcing them all to wear costumes for Halloween. This tract doesn’t really fly in modern society, where you can’t actually WEAR costumes to school–because too many people complain about it being distracting or causing evil spirits to come into your mind and cause you to commit various acts of horrific murder in the name of The Devil Who Is Satan.

The whole story really feels like a really bad version of a Saturday-Morning cartoon, from the 50s or something. The “Golly-gee!” factor is easily a 12/10. The only good side to this is that Susy makes the exclamation “Jesus, Buffy.” which, out of context, is one of the greatest things that could ever be used. I mean, Jesus, Buffy, just think of all the uses it has!

Susy and Buffy talk for some time, and Buffy learns the True Meaning© of Halloween, and decided that to place tracts in everyone’s bags of candy to help save people’s souls. Because Lucifer hates it when you put tracts in bags of candy? Personally, if I were the devil, I’d let people read them. They’re funny, except for the really insane ones that just kind of venture off from “Jesus is love, everything else is clearly a plot by Satan to kill you so he can have you tortured for all eternity.”

But I can’t really go much farther into this topic without becoming a liar about my rule, so I’ll stop on this subject and move onto something else entirely.

Rock Music Is A Tool Of The Devil

One of the things you learn, is that Chick Publications hates rock music. They hate all music, the way they talk. Even the “Christian” rock music. All of it is tools of the Devil so that he may corrupt and contort your soul for all eternity. It’s a shame, really, especially considering that there’s a lot of good music that he’s missing out on because he’s worried about a little thing like “salvation”.

But there’s one story in particular, named Angels? that emphasizes this fact. ³

I came across this tract while I was surfing various comic-book-related forums and was so utterly astounded by how poor the writing was that I couldn’t believe they thought it was a good idea to actually put this on the Internet for people to look at, let alone turn it into actual paper and make tress suffer.

The synopsis of the story is this. There’s a rock group⁴ named “Angels” that hits the big time and signs up with a record company. However, everything goes down hill and eventually the band crumbles and the only thing that saves the remaining members of the band is Jesus (I know, you’re surprised.)

The big absurdity comes in whenever you realize that their new boss is named “Lew Siffer”. He introduces himself as “Mr. Siffer” then later says “My name is Lewis. Call me Lew.” Basically, you’ve been informed that this guy is the devil. Personally, I would have come up with a better pseudonym–something like “B. L. Sibeb”. Because “Lew Siffer” == “Lucifer” is a bit easier than “B. L. Sibeb” == “Beelzebub”. And “B. L. Sibeb” sounds more professional. That you would even listen to a guy who demands you sign the contract in blood– I’m reminded, now, of Creed’s Behind the Music wherein Scott Stapp said that their contract was actually brought BACK because he had pricked his thumb and put a bloody thumb-print on it. Turns out that it was going to be brought back if there was anything red. Though it’s quite obvious that Satan, pardon me, Mr. Siffer, doesn’t follow normal business practices.

What follows is probably the greatest moments ever in bad writing. The band starts falling apart, much like a regular rock band after a while. They turn to drugs and everything else, two of the members become lovers and end up married (they are, it should be noted, both male. Something which is clearly the work of the Mr. Siffer as well). It all but peaks whenever Mr. Siffer, outraged the the image of his new band being shattered by the gay marriage thinks, “Then I’ll give you a little wedding present… some AIDS.”

… wat

The declaration is made that all rock music since the 1950s (when it really hit the big time with Elvis et al) was a product of the Devil, and that even this new-flangled “Christian Rock” was a by-product of that, as apparently guitars are evil. Classical music is okay, because it’s lyrics don’t exist, nor do they cause people to run out and be violent and do drugs with various whores and get some AIDS.

God Has No Face

However, probably the most amazing thing out of all of the Chick tracts is that GOD HAS NO FACE. Go through the archive that I’ve linked, and look at any image that presents God. You’ll know it’s God because it’ll be a large figure, on a large throne, in a bunch of clouds, with no face or hair.

Despite the fact that God has no face or hair, He manages to see, speak, and apparently hear everything that goes on in these tracts. Of course, I suppose that is to be expected by some kind of omnipotent Dr. No-Face.

The No-Face thing wouldn’t be so bad, if not for the fact that it’s just so…creepy. Everything else has a face. Hell, even Satan has an often-times Semitic-looking face about him. Maybe because in all of God’s Glory, he forgot to give himself a face. Or He’s just too majestic to have a face, or something.

I mean, seriously. Everything about God is set up as a human, except for His complete absence of hair and face.

There are infinitely more things to go on about, regarding these things. But I think I’ll just let you learn for yourself. You may think these are good stories, you may not. You may think they’re complete falsehoods and should be ripped from the shelves.

But I think they’re funny.

1. Which you can read here in English, which I assume you are reading to begin with. [↩]
2. Check it out here and even email it to your friends! [↩]
3. As always, check it out here. [↩]
4. Christian Rock, that is. I’m not sure what constitutes “Christian Rock” as anything separate other than changing your lyrics to be about Jesus as opposed to getting laid and jamming heroin needles… I see I answered my own questions. [↩]